Let me state up front, I am not a father. But I did spend a full six days and nights with two children under the age of nine in Salou, Catalonia, Spain, alone. Let me also make clear- I am not a kidnapper. The children are my niece and nephew. I was taking care of them because I lost a bet. Well the situation was a lot more complicated than that-it would make my sister sound like a bad mother if she let me take care of them based solely on a lost bet.

My sister, Clare, and her husband, Greg, and their two children (who I will call Jill and Jack to protect the anonymity of the innocent) were visiting me in Barcelona where I was living at the time. On their second night in the country Greg suffered appendicitis. At first he thought he was just terribly hung over. Due to this confusion, his appendix ended up bursting before he would let us take him to the hospital (where he would spend the rest of their vacation). On their first night in the country Greg, Clare and I got quite inebriated while the children were in bed. In some late night gut spilling we got to talking about the most difficult things we had ever been through. I claimed that spending several months alone on a boat while sailing around the horn of Africa was the most difficult thing. But Greg countered me betting that one day alone with their kids in Salou, a nearby resort town, would make me wish I were back on the boat. Regretfully, in my drunken state, I took the bet and then some. So, I booked a nice hotel in the town of Salou. It was really great. It had everything we needed from tv to aircon to a pool, which made dealing with the children a lot easier.

Here are the do’s and don’ts for babysitters in Salou, Catalonia, Spain.

Do: Take them to PortAventura, basically the Bush Gardens/Disneyworld of Spain.

Do: Let them eat whatever they want—after all, they’re on vacation.

Don’t: Don’t take them on the teacups in the Old West section of PortAventura after allowing them to eat whatever they want.

Do: Buy them new souvenir t-shirts after they’ve been sick on the teacups.

Don’t: Take them to nearby Tarragona to look at the amazing art museums and historical sites. They will not appreciate.

Do: Take them to the beach.

Don’t: Take them to the beach without sand toys, water, towels and snacks.

Do: Take them to hotel pool.

Don’t: Let them pee OR throw the cake you bought them into hotel pool. Staff/other swimmers will not think it is funny.

Don’t: Take them to Can Blas, the most posh restaurant in town. They/other diners will not enjoy the experience.

Do: Get them chicken wings and ice cream for every meal.

Don’t: Take them to the jazz club. Saxophonist will not think they are cute.

Do: Take them back to PortAventura again and again. Avoid teacups this time.

I used to hate so-called resort towns, theme parks and fast food. Instead I favored historical sites, traditional slow cooked cuisine and towns untouched by run-of-the- mill tourists. That was all before kids. One week of babysitting will have you grateful to the PortAventuras, Salous and parents the world over.